How to Identify Coercive Control in a Relationship

Alright, ladies, it’s time to shine a light on something that can be incredibly hard to spot, yet devastating to live through: coercive control. We’re not just talking about the obvious stuff like yelling or hitting—coercive control is far more insidious. It’s like a slow drip of poison that seeps into every corner of your life until you don’t even recognize yourself anymore. But guess what? We’re here to help you identify it, call it out, and reclaim your power. Let’s get into it!

What Is Coercive Control?

Coercive control is a pattern of behavior where one partner uses manipulation, threats, and psychological abuse to dominate and control the other. Unlike overt forms of abuse, coercive control is subtle, often invisible to outsiders, and can make you feel like you’re losing your grip on reality. It’s about power and control—making you dependent, isolated, and too afraid or unsure to leave.

The Tactics of Coercive Control: How He Tightens the Noose

1. Isolating You from Friends and Family: He doesn’t like your friends, says your family is toxic, or makes you feel guilty for spending time with others. Slowly, your support system shrinks until it’s just you and him.

2. Monitoring Your Every Move: He’s constantly checking your phone, social media, or even showing up unannounced at your workplace. Privacy? Forget about it.

3. Gaslighting: He twists situations to make you doubt your memory, perception, or sanity. “That didn’t happen,” or “You’re being dramatic,” are common phrases in his playbook.

4. Controlling What You Wear or How You Look: He has opinions—strong ones—about how you should dress, do your makeup, or style your hair. If it’s not to his liking, you’re going to hear about it.

5. Financial Control: He takes charge of the finances, gives you an allowance, or makes you feel guilty for spending money—even on necessities. Your financial independence is slowly eroded.

6. Micromanaging Your Life: Every decision, big or small, has to go through him. From what you eat to who you talk to, he’s got an opinion, and you’d better listen.

7. Using Threats or Intimidation: He might not hit you, but he’ll punch the wall, break something, or give you that look that makes you feel like violence is just around the corner.

8. Emotional Blackmail: He plays the victim, guilt-tripping you into doing what he wants. If you don’t comply, he’s “devastated” or claims you don’t love him enough.

The Impact of Coercive Control: When You Lose Yourself

The thing about coercive control is that it’s a slow burn. At first, you might not even notice it, but over time, you start to feel anxious, isolated, and like you’re walking on eggshells. Your confidence takes a hit, and you might find yourself questioning your own judgment, wondering if you’re overreacting. Spoiler: you’re not. Coercive control can strip away your sense of self, making you feel trapped and powerless.

How to Spot Coercive Control: Red Flags to Watch Out For

• You feel like you’re constantly walking on eggshells, afraid of how he’ll react.

• You’ve lost touch with friends and family because he doesn’t like them or makes it difficult to see them.

• He controls aspects of your life that shouldn’t be up for negotiation—your appearance, your money, your time.

• You often feel guilty or ashamed, even when you haven’t done anything wrong.

• He downplays your feelings or makes you feel like you’re overreacting.

• You’re afraid to make decisions on your own because you don’t want to upset him.

• He’s always watching or checking up on you, making you feel like you’re under constant surveillance.

• You’ve started doubting your own memory or perception of events because he tells you they didn’t happen the way you remember.

Breaking Free from Coercive Control: Reclaiming Your Power

1. Recognize the Signs: The first step to breaking free is acknowledging that what you’re experiencing isn’t normal or acceptable. Trust your instincts—if something feels off, it probably is.

2. Reach Out for Help: Coercive control thrives in isolation, so reach out to someone you trust. Whether it’s a friend, family member, or professional, talking to someone can help you see your situation more clearly.

3. Create a Safety Plan: If you’re thinking about leaving, plan it out carefully. Coercive controllers can become more dangerous when they sense they’re losing control, so make sure you have a safe place to go and a plan for how to get there.

4. Rebuild Your Support System: Start reconnecting with friends and family, even if it’s just a quick text or coffee date. Having people around you who care about you can be a lifeline.

5. Seek Professional Help: Therapy can be incredibly helpful in recovering from coercive control. A therapist can help you rebuild your self-esteem, process what you’ve been through, and develop strategies for moving forward.

6. Take Back Control of Your Finances: If possible, start setting aside some money for yourself. Financial independence is key to breaking free from coercive control.

7. Educate Yourself: Knowledge is power. Learn about coercive control, your rights, and the resources available to you. The more you know, the better equipped you’ll be to take action.

8. Trust Yourself Again: Coercive control is designed to make you doubt yourself. As you break free, focus on rebuilding your confidence and trusting your instincts. You’re stronger and wiser than you realize.

Final Thoughts: You Deserve Freedom and Respect

Coercive control is a form of abuse that’s all about domination, but it doesn’t have to be your story. By recognizing the signs, reaching out for help, and reclaiming your independence, you can break free from the chains of control and live a life that’s truly yours. Remember, ladies, you deserve to be in relationships that are based on mutual respect, love, and equality—not fear, control, and manipulation.

So, stand tall, reclaim your power, and know that you’re not alone in this journey. You deserve freedom, happiness, and a life where you’re in the driver’s seat—no one else. 🚗💪

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